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Saturday, July 11, 2015

Toxic People. Fake People.

You get to meet people from all walks of life. You meet some unfortunate ones definitely.

And it sucks to have empathy. Cause you feel for others, take a walk in their shoes and when you try to do something to help simply because you cant stand it. People dont understand and they view it as a negative action and shit comes down on you.

Sometimes, toxic people dont come from enemies or people you dont get along, it could even come from people you love.

In my life i have loved two ladies. Both have thought me many things.

The first taught me that I had it in me, to love someone so much, to the moon and back that i'd be willing to do anything to see her smile. It dragged on that one sided love. It was poisonous and eventually i realized, i needed to stop that, cut that out and move on. Because eventually it will consume you.

The second taught me that I had it in me to care so much for another. So much that I'd want to do anything just to make sure she is safe, taken care of, and happy. And its the same issue. It is poisonous and it consumes me, and to this day it still does.

And here is the problem, one might feel so much for the other but one knows the other doesn't. Moreover, the very actions that i have taken had probably place a distance between me and the other and it doesn't feel any where close to a friendship sometimes.

Sometimes it feels that you talk simply because you had a friendship before and its a courtesy chat. Sometimes you feel that you're not treated as a friend simply because in the same position you would do otherwise. Many things just burns the mind, thinking, wondering.

And here I am, i can feel it in my heart, my soul, i'm lonely. Its not that i dont have friends, but i long to find the other half.

I remember some friends telling me, you've got high standards. Yet one close friend told me this, i know you have high standards and its good, because i know what you're looking out for. You're looking for a girl with good character, someone you can proudly show to your parents and say hey! she's the one i love and she worth everything i have.

And why that high standards, its because i'm not looking for just another girl, i'm looking for someone i would like to spend my life with, And yes, i would like to find one special lady that i feel that she's pretty to me. Some may say looks don't matter, or looks disappear with age. But in truth, who wants to wake up to another that he/she finds unattractive. I honestly would not want that, i think that might prompt me to cheat on the other and that is something i never ever want to do.

So wherever you are, my other half. Let it be known i'm here searching for you. And when i find you. I'm gonna love the hell out of you. So much, that it'll give the entire world diabetes. Till then.

Wednesday, July 1, 2015

I had a dream.

I rarely get dreams when I sleep. But yesterday. I dreamt of you S. And I was genuinely happy.

We were in some sort of survival games. Abit like hunger games yet we had trainings and simulation missions and somehow or another, we made it into the top few. The top few surviving members. Somehow the rest that fell behind died, but yet strangely I still saw them around after missions. Perhaps they were clones or some sort but I knew they died. And I knew you were alive and well and I had to make my move or I'd never be able to do so.

So walked up to you while you were seated and I just grabbed your right hand from behind and crossed fingers with you and just held you there, not letting go. You looked at me and smiled. And that's how it was, that's how we're got together. In some sort of dystopian futuristic death game.

It was in between missions or some sort and I just held your hand every inching moment I could that I had. I leaned in and lied on your arm and just stayed there the whole time smiling to myself.

Then suddenly we were sucked into the next mission and we got separated by spawning at different maps or locations. I knew you were with me in the same mission but I couldn't find you. But I managed to find artifacts, items, that could give us an advantage in the mission. And everyone of them, I wished for you to have them. Such as an item then gave a specific but limited wish granting capability. So I wished for the both of us to have the best luck in the universe. So that we may lucky escape any situations. Another said artifact or item was one that gave a specific skill such as invulnerability. I know it sounds all gaming and weird and all, but my motive behind everything was for you and I wanted to make sure you were safe.

And I woke up. I woke up not having found you. But the thought that we were together briefly, that I had held your hand tightly, that I got to lean my head on you. The feeling, it was indescribable. I was genuinely happy, overjoyed. I felt satisfied. I didn't need anything else in the world. Right there and then. And how I wish I would dream the same thing tonight...

So S, wherever you are. I want you to know. I care so much for you. I love you. And I wish nothing more than to be able to hold you hands, and just sit next to you and just watch as time fleets by. S, take care of yourself. Be happy. I have been praying for you.


You know, whenever I say my grace before meals, I had always mentioned 3 things. You became the fourth. They were always. 1) giving thanks for the food 2) to take care of my beloved pet that has left me 3) that I may find my other half 4) and that you be taken care of, to be happy.

Heh. I just seem to keep falling for the wrong people, one girl at a time. S. Take care and for the last time. I love you. So much...

Thursday, June 11, 2015

Unrequited

I dont know what to expect anymore. I dont know how i should feel anymore. So much of me wants to hold you, to care for you, longs for you, but is unable to do so. I thought i would have a chance to move on, after you left, yet you reappear in person countless of times only to find myself drawn back to you. How am i suppose to get over you. How am i to go on like this. Its tough, it hurts, its lonely. It feels like i have my back against the wall, with the odds against me, fate laughing at me, destiny mocking me. There is so much i want to do for you, so much i would like to accomplish for you, so much, yet these hands will never hold anything.

“Maybe I was destined to forever fall in love with people I couldn’t have. Maybe there’s a whole assortment of impossible people waiting for me to find them. Waiting to make me feel the same impossibility over and over again.” 
― Carol Rifka BruntTell the Wolves I'm Home

“Unrequited love is the infinite curse of a lonely heart.” 
― Christina Westover

“A mighty pain to love it is,
And 'tis a pain that pain to miss;
But of all pains, the greatest pain
It is to love, but love in vain.” 
― Abraham Cowley

“A person doesn't know true hurt and suffering until they've felt the pain of falling in love with someone whose affections lie elsewhere.” 
― Rose GordonHer Imperfect Groom


Tuesday, March 17, 2015

Sometimes

Its strange that i'd be writing this in the vicinity of the special someone.

But i just wanted to say, its strange no matter how you're hurting, wanting, hoping for that person, that when you see the special someone smile, being happy, you feel like thats enough, its okay, you can let go now, she looks happy. And i do hope she stays that way. Its feels like the best thing i could do for her is to stay out of her way. Let her have her happy chats with her closer friends. Doesnt matter if i slowly get distanced from her. Cause all i need to see and know is that she is smiling and is happy.

Yes there are many things i wish i could do for her, snatch her away and bring her on vacations like she always says she needs. Bring her flowers daily, sending her home, letting her rest, just looking at her, these things i wish i could be there to do for her but i cant. And its annoying, irritating, and bit by bit it will erode at me.

Dont you sometimes wonder what fate has in store for you, planned for you. People say you need to go out and explore, meet people, dont just wait for chances. Well i did make my moves and they always seem to fail. Perhaps its because i'm someone that falls too fast, gives too much and doesnt know when to hold back.

Dont you sometimes wish you could read minds, or alter situations, go back in time. Change unfavourable results or slightly better results. Or perhaps go back in time and slap yourself in the face and say, dont fall for that girl, or you'd fall for her, and you need to know, you'll get hurt bad but if you asked me if it was worth it, despite being a tough call, i think i will be worth it.

Sometimes you dont realize things until they strike you, strong and impactful. Sometimes i choke up at thinking of unfavourable scenarios, what ifs and results. I dont like them, it hurts yet i know that there is some sort of possibility for those scenarios of happening. What can i do? I am a weak man. I might show a strong front but i had for many many years wished i could have a special someone beside me. To visit places of interest with me.

Now i just heard her laugh, and i tell you its the most amazing, beautiful laugh i have ever heard in my life. It might have been for a split second but it was lovely.

Sometimes i wish i could have that special someone. Send her home, let her fall asleep on my shoulders, take her out for dinner, cook for her, care for her when she falls sick, making sure she's alright when its late at night, hearing her voice before i sleep. Many things i wish i could have.

When i say grace before my meals, i always say 3 portions to them. The first thanking for the meal, the second to take care of my beloved leon my dog whom passed, and the last is a variable. I had usually always asked for a girlfriend but when i fell for her... It changed alot.

Sometimes i'd wish she would be my girlfirend, sometimes i would wish for things to be better between us even as friends and colleagues, sometimes i'd wish that she'll get better and happier soon. And just last night, i had just prayed that she be happy and its okay if she takes some of my predestined, preplanned happiness away. Because, if she is happy, no matter how down and about i get, i'll feel that warmth.

She is a splendid, awesome, perfect lady. And there is nothing more i could expect from someone like her. I only wish she knew how badly i felt for her, dont you sometimes wish you could open you chest and show her your beating heart... 

Sometimes...

Friday, March 13, 2015

A little bit at a time

Have you ever loved someone so much, that your heart hurts from not being there for them, from not being around them, from not being able to help them, from knowing that they aren't having the best of time.

Well I have and still am stuck in that predicament. This act of loving, it chips away at your very core, tearing pieces of your soul bit by bit out, and it hurts, and there's really nothing you can do.

That's because when you've decided to try and let the love go, you see that smile of hers, that smile that gives you strength, that chases away all those doubts, the smile that lights a fire in you, even if its just a moment, that smile is enough to change your mind.

Then you're back to the days you dont see her, you get consumed again. Pulled back in to the darkness, eating away at you.

Its tough, its very tough. Some say you shouldn't base your happiness on the happiness of others but, thats how some people are. You love someone so much, its okay for you to suffer as long as they are doing well.

So, I wonder, by the end of this journey, how much of a man will be left of me, how much of my soul would be chipped away, what shell of a man would i become.

Just a little bit at a time...

Monday, March 9, 2015

How is it...

How is it, that loving someone, can bring so much pain....


Sunday, March 8, 2015

So it seems

So it seems that its the same feelings as before. The previous post speaks what i want to say. But you know what, the feeling's worse, cause, this time, this time this is real.

It isnt any old infatuation, not any kiddy like, i really do care and love this person. But how, what am i suppose to do. I know you broke up a while ago, i know you have issues, and yet i cant help you out. That sense of helplessness, it eats into you, its rips parts of your soul, tearing it bit by bit.

And after all that, i'd just be a shell of a man that once stood. I'll have been hollowed out by then.

I was told. Be patient. No need to rush to find a girlfriend. Cause when the right one comes, you'll know and you'll be glad you waited. No point rushing out and hurting yourself.

And i know, i have to be patient. But... HOW LONG MORE DO I NEED TO WAIT!

I'm going to be freaking 25. I have never kissed a girl, not even on the cheek, i've never held hands (romantically of course) with another girl. And i see couples all around, i get jealous. And then i see her. And it pains me so much. Yet when she smiles, even for just a split second, it all seems worth it, and then the pain comes back. Hurting, and there you are just waiting, despite all that pain, just to see another smile.

Sam... what can i do to help you. How! This pain, i dont like it. Yet when i see you, its seems all worth it.

So it seems, i'm at an impasse. So it seems, i've once again fallen in love, and once again, wrong timing. So it seems...